The Purge... Surrender and Wisdom of Kanna

Uncovering the doorway to the infinite wisdom of our body and what it holds for us.

It was June of 2023. I was in the thick of the ending. Dismantling storage units, three locations of equipment and the heavy trappings of restaurant life. I was also grasping to keep my restaurant community alive and continue to show up with food.

Ya know, stay relevant.

I had been planning a farm dinner that made me heart sick. Heart sick to cook and create and have no restaurant anchor. I was deep in pain during that summer, pretending to move on. After all that had transpired since meeting Grandfather Huachuma, San Pedro, the fall before, and heeding the commandment to REST.

Seeing how my life unfolded since that prophecy, I knew I wanted to sit with more Earth Medicine. During this time, I had been invited to a ceremony with visiting female Shamans from another country. They would be serving Kanna, a legal South African succulent taken as a ceremonial dose in a women's weekend journey.

I had never heard of Kanna. I looked it up. Revered in South Africa for its healing and heart opening properties for millennia at high doses, and mood-lifting and stress-relieving if drank as a tea, or in tincture form. I immediately dismissed it. Lite-duty was my prediction. Like I knew it all, which in hindsight is super funny. I kept being invited despite my declines - the date was in conflict. It was the farm dinner I was begrudgingly planning. But every fiber of my being couldn’t muster the energy it would take to execute. Tickets were being purchased. Then I made a gut wrenching decision. To honor the sensation within and not dismiss it. I cancelled the farm dinner and my entire body was relieved, softening with gratitude to not need to hold all that.

So, in the way Medicine works, its spirit begins to call you in and infuse your life in subtle ways in the weeks and days leading up to the experience, even if you haven’t consciously committed. I was being guided to this experience. This Kanna. To meet these strong female wisdom holders. I started to get antsy and a bit hesitant about what I was committing to.

As soon as I arrived at this sanctuary in the mountains, I could feel this was going to be an experience that would change my life. As if my journey with Huachuma hadn’t already been a catalyst for change, I could feel this was deeper.

The presence of the two female Medicine Guides was electric for me. I was immediately drawn in upon meeting them and observing how our ceremony space was opening up. Their energy and command of the space was palpable. I was very intimidated. Noting the presence of large plastic bowls placed about, one of the women remarked to the healers, “is Kanna a purgative?” I was like, uh-oh, what's a purgative, immediately figuring it out. Oh wow. This was getting real.

I began to feel a little anxious, before the medicine was consumed. Omg what did I sign up for? The energy of the space was electric for all of us. It was clear, these Healers were masterful. Once we consumed an innocent looking capsule, we soft chatted with each other and were settling in for the experience. The Kanna was starting to kick in and the energy moving was intensely felt. There was a lot of vocal activation. By the Healers and women. I needed to go outside for some fresh air. Standing outside feeling the mountain breeze, I could feel the medicine, see the ceremony and Healers at work through the open door, guiding the experience, and serving rapeh’, a ceremonial snuff made with Mapacho, or jungle tobacco. I knew I needed to go back in. Otherwise I was removing myself from this experience, unlike anything I was even remotely prepared for.

With shaky legs I sat on the floor in the back of the room. I was starting to feel a bit nauseous, looking around for a purge bowl, trying to be super discreet if I was going to be sick. With the experience unfolding for all of us, I was hoping to not be noticed in the back. My heart was beating really fast and I was feeling flushed.

Then it happened. I thought I would do a lady like, meh, into the bowl and not be noticed. I turned around, telling myself this little hiccup would be over quickly and I would enjoy the journey! Ya no. That’s not how it went down. I enjoyed the journey, it just wasn't exactly how I could ever imagine it would unfold. Nor that I would uncover the doorway to the infinite wisdom of our body and what it holds for us. The experience showed me the deep disconnection I had with my own body. What was supposed to be a quick little puke, then back to the party, turned into a massive full body purge that felt endless in its duration and intensity of expression.

As soon as I began to retch, the Healers were on top of me. Moving my energy, blowing Mapacho, and physically laying hands on me, encouraging me, loving me, adjusting me, holding me, guiding me to facilitate the movement of the energy through my body. Serving me rapeh’ in a deep ceremonial way, like an ancient ritual from the timeless past. Their ancient language and murmuring and clicking, urging me to connect deep deep within, guiding their fingers and mine deep into my root chakra below my belly button. Commanding me to connect viscerally with the energy of what wanted to come from within. It felt like I was birthing something primal. My conscious mind was deep in the background. There was nothing to do but surrender to the process and witness what my body was expressing.

And so I did. Through massive waves of retching from a place so deep I didn’t even know it existed within me. Rolling waves of retching, but also primal expressions of deeply held trauma and pain. Crying and screaming in suppressed agony, I was relieving myself of all I kept inside during the destruction of my beloved business. I was retching up pain going back as far as I could remember. Unexpressed pain and trauma from my childhood. I also laughed hysterically at the What the Hell is Happening of it all. The detached conscious part of my brain was observing myself with wonder at how much I had inside of me that I never even knew was there. It was like the medicine opened a faucet inside me that I didn’t know existed.

All the time, impossibly, during my purge, it was so beautiful. The women were holding me, gently pulling my hair back and whispering love and encouragement, with no judgement, just being present and assuring me, anchoring me in the here-now. Calming me, soothing me, dribbling water into my mouth like a baby. As that massive energetic shift passed through me, the rest of my journey was filled with so much awe of everything I let go of. It felt really clear, the Kanna facilitated an opening within me to allow my suppressed and subconscious pain to pour forth, demanding to be set free. Finally, I could breathe deeply, from deep within.

I lay in my journey space, nestled in my blanket and pillows, holding my stomach so tenderly, with so much love. How did I not know this existed within me at such depths? It was all so healing, so deeply needed. I could never begin to chip away at that heavy darkness inside, that was holding me back from feeling deeper emotions, from feeling my own body. I was troubled that I lived my life not knowing this side of me existed. I had deep reverence for the experience as I marveled at the wisdom my body held to keep my mind safe. Not only that, but now, there was a gaping hole inside me, where all that was kept, tucked away, deep within. I could literally feel the absence of all that I released within me. One of the Healers sagely asked me as she gently blew Mapacho smoke over my stomach - Now what will you do with all that space?

Integrating the power of that experience and answering the Healers question has been my integration journey on the medicine path since. It led to my deepening connection with the pains and traumas we all keep inside us. And at what cost? To our health but also to our relationships, with others and ourselves. Deepening the connection with my inner most depths, of my body and my psyche. And witnessing how for those called, psychedelics can absolutely be a catalyst for change, and the Purge is a big part of the Medicine healing process. Helping to clear old stagnant energies, emotions, traumas that hold us back from personal growth, and from the transmissions of the experience itself.

In our culture, we don’t like to puke. We don’t like surrender. We don’t like when our body does things we don’t understand or initiate, of its own primally coded wisdom. In our culture, we by slow degrees, disconnect from our body, allowing our mind to take over. Another female shaman I know calls it Somataphobia. Fear of the body. We outsource our body’s wisdom without being taught how to hear it, feel it and answer its call.

We are just beginning to truly connect with how much our body really holds for us. It is interesting actually. In our past-past, and in indigenous communities now and forever, we knew this, they know this. Animals instinctively know this too, shaking and trembling after a shock or trauma to release the energy stored in their body from that experience. Drum circles, dancing, chanting, singing, crying, heaving, and deep laughing have been used universally as a way of releasing stored energy in our body. Today, you’re lucky if you break a sweat and we don’t always encourage or allow big shows of emotion. For ourselves and with our children, teaching them early to squelch the energy of their emotions and pain, pushing them deep into their body.

Why is this important?

All that stored and unreleased energy from unprocessed trauma and pain, which we all experience in some form from childhood to adulthood, causes illness and disease in the body. It causes inflammation and sows the seeds of discontent that no kale smoothie can ameliorate. It also keeps your nervous system dysregulated, fueling the diseases of tension - be it high blood pressure, heart disease, high blood sugar etc, but also fueling Multiple Sclerosis, the disorder of a dysregulated nervous system.

How can you begin to tap into the primordial wisdom of your body to release stored and unprocessed trauma? This can be achieved without a psychedelic journey. You would look into Somatic Experiencing, Embodiment and other somatic modalities, of which there are many, and this approach is gentle and doesn’t need to be extreme like mine was. But it’s no less effective. In fact, it’s better for gently unwinding the stored energies, allowing your body and nervous system time to integrate and process without you consciously needing to tend to painful memories. Much stored trauma doesn’t have a conscious memory attached to it.

In your everyday life, start to take up intentional activities that connect you with your body and move energy just like our ancestors and indigenous communities. Start drumming, go to drum circles, start chanting, singing, go to Ecstatic Dance, jump and stomp your feet, and dance while you cook dinner…..

I’ll be detailing in this series the healing lessons I’ve learned as I walk this Medicine Path and hope to connect you with the vast wisdom of nature and our innermost depths to truly heal you far more deeply than you could possibly know.

I will also begin writing about the connection between a dysregulated nervous system and Multiple Sclerosis and cultivating a new relationship with your nervous system as essential to the healing process.

I’d love to hear how this article made you feel. About purging, stored trauma, well about any of it. xx

With love and surrender to the wonder of it all,

Christine